Change

I haven't been blogging long enough to be familiar with all blog etiquette, but I do think somewhere in there we bloggers learn we are supposed to keep the whiny posts to a minimum. However, tonight I am hormonal. I am emotional. And have I mentioned that I don't like change?

Change. Is it a good thing or a bad thing? Can it be both? I suppose it can. Even when I've had a hard time transitioning through the muddled times of my life, I can look back and see that the change was beneficial. Some change I have been able to control. Some change I cannot. I think that's the hardest for me..accepting the part I can't control. Mainly because I am somewhat of a control freak...(just in case you haven't figured that out). Maybe it's the fear of the unknown lurking around the corner. Or maybe it's just because I like things just the way they are. I mean really, if it's not broken, then why fix it? Unfortunately, some things change anyway. Like our children. Growing up, branching out, not needing us anymore. How about not BEING here anymore. I'm sorry, but it's just almost more than I can bear.

And I know I often blog about the fact that Big Dan is preparing to leave the nest and you are probably sick of it right now. I can't help it though. I may need counseling, seriously. It's literally consuming me. I think the reason it has hit me so hard is the fact that he has been much of a homebody over the years. He hung out with friends, but the main hangout was right next door so it wasn't like he was that far away. The former girlfriends were long distance so they were mainly telephone relationships, and an occasional double date on a weekend when he stayed the night with a friend. When he played sports and was gone, I was there with him rooting him on...the entire year as we transitioned from football, into basketball, and on into baseball. His summers were spent mostly sleeping late, hanging out in his room, playing video games or shooting basketball outside, or like I said before heading next door to watch a movie, but he was here.

Then....June came. Boy meets girl in theater, boy falls head over heels, boy now has a car so boy gets a job, and poof! He's gone. When school started, things became even more hectic. His days were filled with classes, then work, then the girlfriends house, and the family became a distant memory. And now during the week not only is he working longer hours in the evening, but he's added a membership to the wellness center where he works out for an hour every morning. Even his Saturdays begin at 5 or 6 am when he rushes out the door to get donuts with the girlfriend and then doesn't come home until curfew that night. And people please don't get me wrong. I am so proud of the fact that he is actually doing constructive things with his life instead of what he could be doing at his age, but there is no more family dinner time, no more 411's (talks, as he called them), and not near as many sibling arguments to break up. I've said all of that...to say this. It just happened too fast, I guess. Faster than I really had time to prepare myself for. And really, I knew it would, but it makes me sad.

Especially when it's time to do this:

Look how sweet this little 6 year old boy is. Putting the tree up was something he loved doing every year. I knew I was in trouble if I started without him.

And the tradition of doing it as a family remained every year.....we just added another little helper.

Up until last year that is. I think 11th grade is when Big Dan decided talking on the cell phone and watching us do it was way more cool, but at least he was here..in our presence.

But not yesterday. If I would've waited on him this year, I think I would still be waiting. Pete helped me get the Christmas decor from the attic and into the house before he went to bed, but it was Little Ann that ran got the Martina McBryde Christmas CD and so excitedly helped me accomplish the task of putting up the tree this year.

I'm trying hard to accept this change for I know it is beyond my control. Growing up is hard...and not just for him, but for everyone. I am praying that God will give me the strength I need to get through these hard times, especially the ones where he so proudly lets me know how excited he will be when he no longer lives with us. Um...can you say rude awakening?? Been there, done that.

But for now, I am resigned to the fact that Little Ann and I will have to start our own Christmas traditions.

Oh, did I say.. you should totally blame the hormones?